Frustration!!

I have written about challenging relationships before, but today I had to deal with a difficult situation that made me very frustrated/angry/sad. It has taken me a couple of hours to calm down and now I am trying to decide how to best deal with all of this. Unfortunately, it affects my children too, and I know that I am feeling so emotional because I want what is best for them and I don't want them to be hurt or feel unwanted. I get very emotional and upset when I must accept that there are some things I cannot shield them from, some realities I cannot hide.

I think one of the most important things I did after getting divorced was to learn how to focus on myself and my own emotions rather than wasting time feeling angry at people and wanting to argue. There will always be people out there that disappoint me or frustrate me or create difficult situations for me. Everyone has people like that in their lives. There is nothing I can do about how other people choose to interact with me. I don't want to change anyone. I want to be the very best person I can be for ME, because it gives me greater satisfaction than I could ever get by being rude or vindictive or hurtful to people, even if I think they deserve it! Everyone wants to be understood in an argument, but really it doesn't matter if some people understand me.

I decided awhile ago that having one or two people like this is your life can be a catalyst to personal growth. Challenges make me stronger, blah blah. It's great practice for learning to maintain standards for your own behavior under pressure. I must not let anger and resentment tear at me because of people that don't play a strong role in my life anyway!! That's a big DUH statement but we ALL do this...let people that mean little to us affect us emotionally.

Yes, I am being TOTALLY self-righteous and I know it! But isn't that better than being angry? Isn't it better for me to back off and tell myself that I am strong, that I do not let people control my emotions, that I stand on my own moral footing at all times and do not let others lead me into actions I will later be regretful of? It is best for me to remember what I tell my children all the time, that only I am responsible for my own behavior. Nobody else is responsible for my behavior. Nobody else can or should influence my own judgments of right and wrong.

Revenge and vindication are so tempting. It is so tempting to tell someone what you really think of them! I caught myself doing that today and ended the conversation before I could make the situation a million times worse than it already was. They shouldn't care what I think anyway.

I am not a saint. I still need to get my frustrations out, I still need to be bitchy. That is what my friends and family are for, the poor souls. They will listen to me vent and cry (I cried a LOT today) and go through the range of emotions I needed to go through to calm down and begin thinking clearly. What seemed like such a hopeless situation a few hours ago is now one that I can make the best of and see as a blessing. One great thing is that I get to spend the weekend with my children. No matter what I had planned, no matter how much I cried at the stress and worry that the change in plans caused me, I always ALWAYS see any extra time I get to spend with my kids as a blessing (and I make sure to tell them that). They matter more than my last heavy weekend of training before IMAZ. They come first.

I hate to see them upset that they aren't going to their dad's house this weekend. I hate that I don't know what to say when they ask me why. I will use this as a reminder to MYSELF when I travel, a reminder that my kids always need to know why I am going away and what the trip is for. And they need to know this ahead of time, not have it sprung on them at the last minute. Kids need security and routine. I do love to travel and I do continue to believe that when I travel it is an opportunity for their dad to spend more time with them and experience their day-to-day life first hand, rather than just the unstructured weekend time he normally gets. I continue to believe that even when I know it isn't true, because the alternative is too heartbreaking for me to accept. The alternative is that he doesn't want them any more than he has them. I can't accept that and that is why I was so upset today. I can't accept that he would rather know his children are with a babysitter when I am gone, even though he lives 10 minutes away.

I am not going to stop traveling. I cannot do that. I cannot allow other people's behavior to influence my own goals and dreams and desires for my own life. I will continue to be happy and to pursue my own happiness. Sometimes my goals and dreams take me away from my children for short periods of time. Perhaps, in the end, it is just unreasonable to expect their other parent to fill in when I am not around. And perhaps if he doesn't want that role then his home isn't the best place for them during the times I am gone. Perhaps it is better for them to be at my home with a babysitter than with their dad if he is feeling resentful about it. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept that, but I guess it's because it's so completely opposite of how I view the situation. I would never in a million years want to know that my kids were 10 minutes away being cared for by a babysitter for an extended period of time (days) when I am perfectly capable of caring for them, MY OWN CHILDREN!! Getting divorced doesn't make you a part time parent. Getting divorced doesn't mean that parenting should only fit into a convenient schedule for you. Being a parent is NEVER going to be convenient, so why expect it to be?

Today is the 2nd anniversary of the death of a little boy I knew named Alex. He was 5 when he died of brain cancer, and his loss is a constant reminder to me to cherish the time I have with my own wonderful children. Of course I get frustrated with them EVERY DAY! I need and cherish my alone time as well. But what I know for sure is that my children are never a burden. There will never be a time when I want to spend LESS time with them. Every day I have with them is a day that my friend doesn't have with her child. Every opportunity I have to hug my children and eat ice cream with them and laugh with them and watch them play with each other is an opportunity that my friend doesn't have with her beautiful son. I feel like I was not treated fairly today, but I still came out ahead, because I am sitting at my kitchen table watching two of my children make mischief together and it makes me happy.

I made some mistakes this morning. I yelled and I spoke in anger. I need to take responsibility for that. That is not the way I want to interact with anyone. I am choosing to focus on what I can change about myself and letting go of any frustration I have towards others. It isn't worth it. I need to remember that I cannot change people. I cannot make someone else parent the way I would. Instead, I need to let it go and do the best I can for myself and my children. I guess it's time to find a great babysitter.